Hi,
So today i have come to a conclusion in my mind- I'm fucked up. I think im bipolar, or im depressed. I almost want me to be, but i truely do think i am. Thats pretty messed up huh? you want something to be wrong. That, in itself, is messed up. I guess I am messed up no matter what, thats kinda neat. And retarded. Fuck, I hate myself most days. I hate everythign all days, tho.
so, my life has been one giant blur of nothing lately. well, nothign in the sense that i cant make any sense of anything anyways. Sure, things happen, but what does it all mean? no one knows. I take comfort in ignorance.

Things with kaly have been retarded lately, out attempts to patch up our friendship repeatadly have been (for the most part) futile. We do, but there is too much distance now,. too much that means more than anything to us individualy, but we hate it about eachother. Like, me hating nick (her bf) and her hating JC (mine). These two people meen alot to us. I am just beyond the point of understanding exactly what i suposed to do with everything. Yet, I cannot leave everythign the way it all is right now. I will rot away, inside-out, if i do. So what choices does all this leave me? death, the cowards way out. I will not take that path, there is too much possibility in life. Even tho i know that things cant work out now, they will. I hope one day, if even for a moment, i will be completely happy. I think that this is possible, i see people who seem quite happy with their lives, and i think i could be like them too. I want to be. btw,if you are one of these people, could you tell me how you do it? im quite curious.

So, as i am sitting here i am thinking that. even tho the life situation im in is completely fair, and no ones fault but mine, i still wish i could be out of it. Rid of all, Start again.

I cant do that tho- and when i think of it, i wouldnt want too. I have made so many bonds in my life that mean so much to me. I have friends that even tho things between us are rocky (kaly) you mean so much to me, and my sanity. Then, there is the main reason i havnt come over the edge, JC. This guy is my prozak, i dont know hwere i would be otherwise. Maybe 6 feet under. Who knows?

What i do need to do is get out of here, in the words of the ever-awsome postal service, this place is a prison, these people are not your friends...
well, maybe ill talk more later. I think i will re-abuse this whole service
love always.
ally

<< >>